He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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