I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
