I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
