i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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