6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
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i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
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I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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