census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
