Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
