she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
