Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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