Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
