i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
