I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
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