There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
