mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
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