i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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