Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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