Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Randomize
