yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
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I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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