I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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