jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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