Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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