I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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