i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
