I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
