All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Vodka?
Forever.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
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