I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
