omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
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