**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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