Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize