just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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