Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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