Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I wish there were birth control emojis
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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