Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
