You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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