a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
