You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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