Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
