Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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