I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
