If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
