Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
