I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
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Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
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drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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