hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
