I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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