I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
