I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
