Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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