Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
