dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
