the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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