Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
