My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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