I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Randomize
